Domo arigato, Miss Roboto

Dear Ri-bot from the Ri-mix Galaxy,

What...the...f**k? Ri Ri, I am so sick and tired of liking your music. Now look, that first series of songs about ponning replays and robbing "Tainted Love" samples were not in my book of favorites. Then you became a good girl gone fembot and all of a sudden I am all over your life. I do not approve of your new clothing style, though. Not that it isn't fresh, but it looks very familiar doesn't it? I still have no idea why I like "Umbrella", "Please Don't Stop the Music", this new one "U Make Me Sick" (because deep down you really do) and omg "Disturbia"...why is "Disturbia" my ringtone? Why when you sing "it's like the darkness is the light" I consider that some chapter from the book of Nietzche and not some terrible movie starring your ex boytoy Shia LeBoop? Why when you walked out on stage to perform last night at the American Music Awards with a blinged out patch over your eye, I held your one eye with more reverence than Slick Rick? Why when you beat my pretend girlfriend Alicia Keys in awards, I silently cheered for you? Why when you took my pretend boyfriend Chris Brown from me Jolie-Aniston style, I was cool with it? Who do you think you are? I can't wait to meet you and when I do I will unplug you like the robot that you are like that episode of The Jetsons when they accidentally unplugged Rosie and she couldn't vacuum their pod. I don't even know if that was a real episode but let's pretend that it is, because I'm unplugging you Ri-tard. I hate you I hate you I hate you. Eep opp ork ah ah. That means I love you.

What Your Message Status Says About You

This is getting to be a bit much. First it started with Instant Messenger away messages, then it carried into MySpace, then Facebook, then Blackberries, iPhones, Smart phones, Dumb phones, Twitter, Tweeter, Twatter. Passive aggressive ways of expressing something without actually saying it. It can be something as simple as a two word "Help me" message or it can be a complex Shakespearean quote from a sonnet or play we've never read that hints about betrayal, love, lust, hate, sorrow, depression - the things that Country music is made of. How many times can we read "A true friend stabs you in the front"? I'm sure Oscar Wilde is looking into posthumous royalties at this point. Therefore, I have broken down the biggest status offenders. Apologies if you fall into a particular category. I know I'm in there somewhere too.

In love girl/guy: This person is in love and is going to shout it from the heavans. "I <3 Ted!!" "There's only one girl for me and that's Lola!" These people generally leave messages like this until one of them cheats on the other, and suddenly Lola is a woman scorned. Which brings us to...

Woman/Man scorned: The messages of heartbreak. The begging for "don't jump!" responses to their "I'm gonna jump" messages. Ted has turned to drinking after that mistake that left him Lola-less so he just doesn't even log on. Sad though, because all of those messages from Lola were meant for him anyway.

"I'm Deep" Guy: "Bill is..." Bill chose not to add on to that. Bill just is... Bill is an existentialist now. Bill would like to think about what makes him Bill. Bill wants the world to understand that he isn't one dimensional. There are many layers to Bill, and one day they will all be discovered. For now, Bill just is... Tomorrow "Bill is getting shitfaced at Pat's BBQ for 4th of July. America: FUCK YEAH!!!"

The "Dramz" of Friendship: "Marla is sick of drama." "Tanya only chills with dudes because bitches are shady." "Sometimes friends are better off as enemies." Passive aggressive announcements that you hate all of your friends. You must hate them all or hate none of them because the responses "Me?" almost always yield a "No. Not you." So which friend are they really sick of? Drama of course. Not DJ Drama. Just, Drama. Not Johnny Drama. Just...Drama.

Party Girl: This girl (or guy) wants somebody or anybody to know that they're out on the town and the other person isn't. They're "OUT!!! Don't wait up bitches!" or "Chillin with my people. You should too!" You are not invited to their party, but they're letting you know they're having one. Alone in their room, wearing feeties and watching Family Guy. Good times.

Invitation in the status: "I'm at the Fly's Eye in Red Hook. Come through!!!!" You will never come and they know that. No self-respecting person in the history of this planet will show up to something they were invited to through a status message. "Hey, I read in your status that you were here." Never happen.

The Cliff Hanger: "I can't believe Marjorie was kicked off Top Model!!!" "They poisoned Supreme Allah on Oz!" "It's about time Ross and Rachel hooked up!!" Some of us have TiVo and DVR and we don't hurry to our television sets at 8pm to stay tuned. Understand that and high five yourself quietly (sans status) if you're happy that Serena and Dan broke up.

"Leave Me Alone" Guy: If he really wanted to be left alone, he wouldn't be logged on. Plain and simple.

Hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Just a friendly reminder...I AM...Sasha Fierce is in stores today.

I Am Revisiting My Fascination With this Kid

Okay I have no idea how old this kid is (especially with hormones in milk and meat making 10 yr olds look 30), but this young man better be the star of his high school or college dorm or cubicle. I mean, I don't care where, but I adore this guy. This song could've easily been added to Thr33 Ringz. Okay I'm reaching, but doesn't he do a good job?

Fire Hydrants: F**k You Very Much

There's nothing like thinking you've found parking and being laughed at by one of these sick bastards posted above. Fire hydrants are the bain of my existence. I hate everything about them. They think they're so cute in the summertime with children opening them up and running through them. Oh whatever. This little asshole right here was cleverly placed near Washington Square Park while I was trying to find parking on a rainy afternoon. Not only did it trick me, but there was another one just like it five feet away. WHAT FOR?? With all of the traffic in New York, no fire truck is going to get there in time anyway, so why senselessly add 16 hydrants on a city block? Stop keeping the parking garages in business. They overcharge. Damnit I need a SmartCar.

A Special Message From the Gap

The lineup is like a chat room, but I'm with it. Mmmmmmm Freddy Rodriguez:

The Cop with the Lousy Beat

I don't live in a dangerous area per se. I mean on that "Who's a perv in your hood" site there are some local ones (my next door neighbor being one) and the city to my left is where Lean on Me was filmed. Other than that it's all gravy save a few cheap dime store hoods. The town is small, so a call to the cops would have one there in under five minutes. There are some cops scattered around the town at various bagel and donut establishments. Nothing stereotypical at all.

There is, however, one cop who patrols what I consider to be the bowels of any police beat worldwide. On the outskirts of my town is a large park. In the middle of the park is a softball field with one of those weird buildings in parks that serve no real purpose and look kind of creepy. This building was once a Meals-On-Wheels delivery hub, but now I'm not so sure. Officer Bad Beat sits in that parking lot. It's the same cop every day.

He looks like he could be one of the Lively children - he's not as pretty as Blake, nowhere nearly as ugly as Jason, so let's say he looks like Robin Lively. He sits in the park parking lot facing a strip mall that has changed stores more than the lineup of Menudo. He frequently looks down to jot notes. Maybe he's pretending to look busy. Or...maybe he's a writer working on his novel and this is his day job. If so, then I commend him.

I always wondered if he really did anything at all for the law. Well, the other day I found my answer. driving along the road BBC (Bad Beat Cop) patrols, I saw a car pulled over about 50 feet from the BBC Headquarters. I looked in the police car. He just pulled over the poor teenager for driving too fast or poor senior citizen for driving too slow. I couldn't tell if it was the cop of the Lively kin. I figured it had to be. So as I passed the building that once held Meals-On-Wheels, who is sitting in the lot jotting invisible notes - Bad Beat Cop. So he really does nothing at all. I'm looking forward to his novel, though. It can't possibly be about law enforcement.