Using whitening strips

Okay, so I used to be completely against these $40 boxes of whiteners that are supposed to up your dental glow by like 600% by wearing off the enamel. But if you're like me and have a terrible addiction to coffee and tea (decaf stains too), then your toothy grin gets greatly affected by staining. I also didn't like how I had to sit around and wait to take those strips off. I'm too lazy for all of that mess. Then Listerine came with the master plan:



Ah-ha! Quick...dissolving...strips. "This is perfect," I thought! Put 'em on in the shower and they're dissolved by the time your hair is dried. Perfection! So I paid the $25 for the box of glad tidings (big discount from those dumb strips that charge more and you have to do more work) and planned to use them the next day.

After reading the box it said your teeth might "tingle." I have sensitive teeth as it is, which made me think that my teeth would feel like they were getting drilled. Apprehension kicked in. Then I read that the strips dissolve by triggering your salivary glands. Okay now hmmmm, hold the phone. That lady in the commercial made it look like she could pack up and go right after putting them in. She must be going to play baseball then because all she could really do was act like she was chewing tobacco with all that spit in her mouth. Nevertheless, I put them in. The directions say that you have to put them on clean (read: brushed) teeth only. I guess that is for the morons who think they could throw them on with morning breath and walk out of the house. So I brushed, applied, and went to shower. As I'm in the shower, I feel the noted "tingle" which wasn't so bad, but the dissolving process was a horror. I was DROOLING uncontrollably. Thank goodness I was in the shower.

I get out and smile in the mirror to a mouth full of foam. I looked like I had rabies. Then, after they "dissolve" your teeth are still left with balls of whitening goo...like tooth boogers. So what did I have to do? Brush my teeth again, thereby having to do exactly what I didn't want to have to do with the non-dissolving strips because I was so lazy. So to make a long story short, I bought these things to make life easier, and they only made life more difficult. Plus I looked like Old Yellar. Good thing I wasn't on a farm, because I would've clearly been shot with that foamy mouth. Call me Aesop, but there is definitely a lesson to be learned here: stained teeth are not that bad. I'm sure smokers worldwide can attest to it. I'm not a smoker, but I salute your yellow teeth. Changing tooth color is too damn difficult. Let's all spit butter together!

P.S. I actually still use the Listerine strips and deal with the mouth full of dental snot. They were $25 bucks are you crazy? They're not going to waste! Say cheese!