My Favorite Facecrooks

So we all made the pilgrimage from MySpace to Facebook because apparently Facebook involved "real" social networking and was so super safe because we had to use our "real names" (like we somehow couldn't put John Smith as our name). That and those Lil Green Patch Kids.

Anyway, as of late, Facebook has been recruiting some creepy ass people ever since you could join without a school email address (sorry but it's true!) The social networking aspect has been replaced by people using their status bar as Twitter and prematurely revealing sitcom endings, name dropping (if you're in the industry you know the "Chillin with Fif" statuses), and leaving melodramatic quotes like "What's getting stabbed in the back without the tetanus?" And these people are your acquaintances.

My problem lately is similar to the issues I had on MySpace. It involves strangers hitting you up like they know you and having some retarded reason for acting like they do.

"Hey my name is Chad Baxter. I enjoy long walks on the beach and date rape. We have no mutual Facebook friends, and I'm hoping you don't realize that my default pic is of Jesse Metcalf, because I have no idea who he is; I Google imaged "shirtless guys" and found him first. I don't speak any English, but have translation software on my Dell. I weigh 500 pounds and it's all in my neck. I'm hoping you find me sensitive and sexy so we can meet in an Arby's parking lot and I can make a statistic out of you. It'll be a good time."

"Sup I'm Mandy Peterkin. I'm 14 and have no business friend requesting you. I know chances are you'll never add me, because it's morally wrong. I'm not your mom's friend's youngest daughter nor am I your best friend's cousin. I'm a latchkey kid who got a computer for my birthday and I am trying to find people to talk to until I meet a nice teenager on here named Chad Baxter who convinces me to meet him at Arby's."

"Hey my name is Tracy. I don't have a last name...I used the spacebar for the last name portion on Facebook and got away with it. I also have no business friend requesting you and this picture of me is from six years ago when I did some internet modeling to pay for my nail degree. Since then I've had 6 children and my stomach skin could be wrapped around rhode island as insulation. I don't even know if you're male or female, but I'm hoping you find me attractive because my husband Phil is cheating on me with some guy at the office named Carl. I won't find out it's Carl until his office's holiday party when I run up on his secretary Dana and start a cat fight while Phil gets it on with Carl in the coat check and blames it on the non-alcoholic eggnog. Then I tell Phil how I've been having Facebook relations with some guy named Chad Baxter and he doesn't care if I cook because he loves going to Arby's."

"I'm Pikal Refai, but all my friends call me Bill. I'm looking for a wife and am hoping you have cataracts and can't see that I am twice your age. I grow my mustache extra bushy to hide my hairlip, but it's barely visible. I like you very much - not because you are pretty or smart or successful, but because you have a pulse. You may also remember me from that email I sent you asking if I can store my money in your bank account because I closed my account in Dubai and had nowhere else to store my millions. That's millions in rupee, so you could walk away with $15 if you marry me. Think about it."

"Wuss poppin' I'm Swagga Bastid and even though Facebook has no music player, I'm here to tell you that my remix of 'Swagga Like Us' called 'Swagga Like Bastid' is that fire and you should check it out on z-share until even z-share disables the link. I'm really hot on the blogs - well my blog...actually my MySpace blog. Anyway, I'm gonna be doing an open mic so maybe you can come and tell your friends. By the way I have a YouTube channel and I say that like no one else does."

"Hey bitch my name is Joey Balmundi but everyone calls me Soprano. I'm 16 but my fake ID says I'm 42 and I'm throwin' this little party at the Limelight this weekend through my new promotion company Balmundi Ballerz Entertainment. Make sure you bring you and the rest of your sluts with you. Find me at the bar and I will give you a complimentary jaeger bomb. I won't realize that the Limelight closed down six years ago until I get to the club that night, so maybe you can give me a ride back to Jersey so my mom doesn't catch me."


...back to Friendster I go.