You Down Wit OCD? Yeah You Know Me!

It's Sunday afternoon and there's nothing on television but repeats of Step By Step and the umpteen MTV True Life series. While the idea of watching Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers collectively raise a family of assholes was tempting, True Life: I Have a Yeast Infection sadly won this TV competition. Okay that wasn't the real True Life, but if MTV hasn't made this one then they probably should have.

Anyway, this one was some collection of True Lives that all involved disorders. There was the one with the people with Tourrette's - including that twitching comedian from NJ and the girl with too much eye liner who starred in her school play. You'll be happy to know that twitching comedian has started dating (they even televised him making out with some poor paid actress/MTV intern). The girl cut off all her hair and got shouted out by Jordin Sparks at an American Idol concert. Progress, people.



Then there was the True Life: I'm Fat or whatever it was really called. There's 600 pound people blaming everything from their thyroid to McDonald's for their size and televising their gastric bypass surgeries. The updates are of these people being thin with like lots and lots of skin hanging. You had your stomach rerouted to your rectum and you can't holler at a tummy tuck? Am I missing something?

The next one involved people from Staten Island. No dis, but that IS a disorder - spoken from a Jersey native. I'm better than you.

And finally, my real reason for this entire blog - the OCD kids. These were the people who turned the lights on and off six times or used exactly ten sheets of toilet paper. MTV put these people on (inter)national television to discuss how tragic their lives are and it led me to identify some OCD people that you may or may not know:

Lip gloss girl
She carries her lip gloss in that little jeans pocket. She puts it on every six minutes. If she runs out, she scours the streets looking for lip gloss from fellow girls and gay men. There are five layers of gloss on her thin lips. She has streak marks on her face like she's been drinking Mountainberry Punch Kool-Aid. And she runs her tongue across her teeth every 30 seconds like she just got her braces off. DO NOT confuse OCD lip gloss girl with fresh to death my lip gloss is poppin' girl. Those are two different girls. OCD lip gloss girl looks like her lips have collagen injections...sponsored by MAC.

Water with lemon guy
Since we're in a recession, it's understandable to drink the free tap water at restaurants. If you live in NJ, you are playing Russian Roulette with tap water (especially when you have to chew it), but NY tap water is way different - and better. So ok, that's fine. You like tap water. Water with lemon guy is the guy who asks for his lemon wedge to squeeze into his free water. If the waiter forgets, he starts making demands like his chicken was served raw. "I want my lemon wedge!" he says. "You forgot my lemons!" Water with lemon guy needs to understand that if the tap water is unbearable to drink without lemon, then you probably shouldn't be drinking it at all. Spring for the coke, buddy. It probably has more health benefits than a glass of Agent Orange with lemon zest. Just a thought.

"Did I drop something?"
I must admit, I am her sometimes. Especially when I carry a bag that doesn't close. This person, though, stops short on city streets to double check dropping something they weren't even carrying. If you're standing behind them and walking fast, then the sudden halt may leave you inside of their colon. And while society is pretty much f*cked, do you really think if you dropped your bowling ball that someone won't tell you? Let's disregard the fact that you yourself would know. Just keep in mind that if you think you might've dropped something, there's a herd of cattle behind you ready to stampede you and you will probably be trampled on and killed over a tube of chapstick.

"Is my hair still plastered?"
You have more product in your hair than a girl from Staten Island (or a guy from Staten Island for that matter). It's taken two bottles of gel and a can of mousse to create that Roman warrior helmet on your skull. My question for you is...after spending two hours creating your man-hat, do you really think that a hair will fly out of place? There is no point in patting around your head every five minutes like you left your pick at home. Your hair looks like Annie Lennox's...not Questlove's.

Cellphone check 1-2-1-2
Awkward silence? Check the cellphone. A cellphone rings in Brooklyn and you're in Queens? Check the cellphone. Someone else checks their cellphone? Check the cellphone. Beggar approaches you looking for cash or crack? Check the cellphone. Let's not get into cameraphone guy, who takes a picture of a dead bird and then reviews all of his "walking down the street" photos like they're Justin Bua paintings. See you think you've taken that black and white photo of John Lennon in the New York cutoff shirt, but you're more like the creepy guy from American Beauty following around a plastic shopping bag.