What Your Message Status Says About You

This is getting to be a bit much. First it started with Instant Messenger away messages, then it carried into MySpace, then Facebook, then Blackberries, iPhones, Smart phones, Dumb phones, Twitter, Tweeter, Twatter. Passive aggressive ways of expressing something without actually saying it. It can be something as simple as a two word "Help me" message or it can be a complex Shakespearean quote from a sonnet or play we've never read that hints about betrayal, love, lust, hate, sorrow, depression - the things that Country music is made of. How many times can we read "A true friend stabs you in the front"? I'm sure Oscar Wilde is looking into posthumous royalties at this point. Therefore, I have broken down the biggest status offenders. Apologies if you fall into a particular category. I know I'm in there somewhere too.

In love girl/guy: This person is in love and is going to shout it from the heavans. "I <3 Ted!!" "There's only one girl for me and that's Lola!" These people generally leave messages like this until one of them cheats on the other, and suddenly Lola is a woman scorned. Which brings us to...

Woman/Man scorned: The messages of heartbreak. The begging for "don't jump!" responses to their "I'm gonna jump" messages. Ted has turned to drinking after that mistake that left him Lola-less so he just doesn't even log on. Sad though, because all of those messages from Lola were meant for him anyway.

"I'm Deep" Guy: "Bill is..." Bill chose not to add on to that. Bill just is... Bill is an existentialist now. Bill would like to think about what makes him Bill. Bill wants the world to understand that he isn't one dimensional. There are many layers to Bill, and one day they will all be discovered. For now, Bill just is... Tomorrow "Bill is getting shitfaced at Pat's BBQ for 4th of July. America: FUCK YEAH!!!"

The "Dramz" of Friendship: "Marla is sick of drama." "Tanya only chills with dudes because bitches are shady." "Sometimes friends are better off as enemies." Passive aggressive announcements that you hate all of your friends. You must hate them all or hate none of them because the responses "Me?" almost always yield a "No. Not you." So which friend are they really sick of? Drama of course. Not DJ Drama. Just, Drama. Not Johnny Drama. Just...Drama.

Party Girl: This girl (or guy) wants somebody or anybody to know that they're out on the town and the other person isn't. They're "OUT!!! Don't wait up bitches!" or "Chillin with my people. You should too!" You are not invited to their party, but they're letting you know they're having one. Alone in their room, wearing feeties and watching Family Guy. Good times.

Invitation in the status: "I'm at the Fly's Eye in Red Hook. Come through!!!!" You will never come and they know that. No self-respecting person in the history of this planet will show up to something they were invited to through a status message. "Hey, I read in your status that you were here." Never happen.

The Cliff Hanger: "I can't believe Marjorie was kicked off Top Model!!!" "They poisoned Supreme Allah on Oz!" "It's about time Ross and Rachel hooked up!!" Some of us have TiVo and DVR and we don't hurry to our television sets at 8pm to stay tuned. Understand that and high five yourself quietly (sans status) if you're happy that Serena and Dan broke up.

"Leave Me Alone" Guy: If he really wanted to be left alone, he wouldn't be logged on. Plain and simple.